Our infertility journey came up at a dinner party last weekend … not sure how these things crop up but it did – in spite of being in a room filled with Fertile Myrtles. At least these are not the one’s that give you the ‘oh all I had to do was brush up against my husband and I got pregnant’ kind of friends – because those are not friends. Those are words that are like sticking needles in my eye’s, yes, even all these years later.
You don’t forget infertility.
And you don’t forgive either.
It just becomes a part of who you are.
Anyway back then, I had verbal diarrhea we shared so many things had to get everything off my chest that we were going through. I We discussed MR51%’s French sperm who like to come to the party, but then beat a hasty retreat. My nether regions had decided they were purely recreational, yet it wasn’t like an amusement ride at all.
ie. You tried to view it with a dash of humor in public, since it sure beat the alternative sobbing and hating on crack ho’s who got pregnant in the blink of an eye …
So one day, sitting pouring my heart out to a friend after rounds of drugs none of which were recreational and I had totally missed out on in college lamenting the fact that my husband would have no part in a sperm donor … like seriously, you meet the man on paper thank you very much, the rest is test tube science. Anyway, the hub had more of a comfort level with neither of us being genetically connected than only one of us – when that one of us was me. And that was okay. I really did get it. But the rounds of ivf were taking its toll, my sanity slowly slipping away and my resolve shattered when my cherub would set the table for the baby sister she so desperately wanted.
So my girlfriend decided one night, yes, late one night, that the perfect solution to my sticking needles into my body every.single.day. problem was to have a discreet one night stand during ovulation. It was late, right, I mentioned that. Not only did she think this was a good idea, but the more she thought about it, she decided on a candidate, a dear friend of hers. She had it all plotted, she was sure he would be agreeable and no one would ever need know. Then she recalled she had a picture of him in her wallet.
I took the picture from her, looked it over and burst out – ‘but he is Black!’
(remember no one would ever need know …)
Now MR51% may have the most glorious tan skintone – but really?
… not that this was ever a consideration, let me just assure you.
 |
| First family pic – at the adoption agency – appropriately named ‘Angel Adoptions’ (fertility drugs are a killer btw … look at those cheeks) |
As it turned out a few months later, we adopted The Princess, a precious three week old African American baby girl. (do you get the irony here?) We moved to a Boca neighborhood just before her second birthday where people were not quite so liberal (we didn’t stay there long) After being questioned several times about her adoption … I decided to lie thro my teeth share that it was just one night in a bar, my husband had forgiven me and we didn’t talk about it anymore … tended to stop the interrogation in its tracks. MR51% banned me from this conversation a short while later (and here I am sharing it with y’all!)
When you are facing infertility, you need to add humor, or you will curl up and cry …
When you are trying to have a baby, everyone is an expert.
When you are adopting, everyone has a viewpoint.
When you are raising your kids, everyone has an opinion.
But your journey is your own …
and as always
OMG. I can only imagine. I wonder which Boca neighborhood it was… so typical. Sometimes, I wonder why hubby and I live here… oh yeah, 85year old grandma might have something to do with it!!! I could tell you stories… this German married into a Jewish family!!!
Oh I am sure … look forward to hearing your stories first hand sometime very soon actually!
One night stands are how I conceived each of my children. (Kidding) I would have loved to seen some of the reactions though — how rude to ask. A family is a family.
One of these days I will sit and actually write a post of some of the idiotic and insensitive things people said … just winners!
Next time we are together, we will have to be barflies and see which customers we can shock the most with irreverent chit chat
[...] with undiagnosed infertility, I mean it), but sometimes, there’s room for laughter. Read Fertile Myrtle & The One Night Stand by Nicole at By Word of Mouth [...]
I am sure that one of the reasons you have fared so well with everything you do is because you are simply hilarious!! LOL
It was a delight to hear part of your story and yes I’m still cracking up re: crack hos, friends hooking you up with random men, and a glamorous, functional story of a one night stand!
You’re right, everybody and their momma got something to say about others’ affairs but can rarely keep their own stuff going…SMH…but we know what to do with them – IGNORE
Talk soon deary,
~Kesha
Oooh color me thrilled to have you over in my little part of the blogosphere lovely!
If we didn’t approach some of the hurdles life throws our way with a little humor, what would we do … I’d be downing little colored ‘candies’ or picking up other women’s men
Awesome post, and hilarious! Thanks for the laughs, and for the knowledge that it’s okay to be pregnant after more than four years of unexplained infertility and still feel a pang of sadness over those years, even as I am filled with joy over the coming birth of my daughter. I have to say, I’m getting sick of everyone I know commenting on how they were all right – that we just needed to stop trying and “it would happen”. I’m pretty sure losing 40lbs and taking HCG (as part of a diet my doc prescribed) had SOMETHING to do with it??? Being serene and peacable with all that is a bit…difficult, lol
Congrats to you … and yes, people truly can drive you crazy with their comments … have a few more infertility posts coming up … so be sure to stop back! #humorsavestheignorant
Looking forward to reading them!
I really should write more about this and about being pregnant now on my own blog, but honestly, I’m scared of being judged, especially since a lot of my friends and family read my blog. Have you ever encountered that? If so, how do you deal with it? This question has really been on my mind lately, as I’ve felt the urge to write, and also because my husband and I are considering what some would consider (like his whole family, for instance) to be radical and potentially unsafe decisions – not to vaccinate, for example. I have always been very honest on my blog, and in all my writing, and to avoid dishonesty or hedging, I’ve simply not written on those issues. But that seems, in itself, dishonest…
My parents don’t read my blog, my mother inlaw does … my husband does sometimes … others I am not sure … its always easy to offend people, but if you are speaking from your heart – how wrong can it be. No matter what decisions we make in life from sahm to wahm, vaccinate, homeschool, breastfeed, cloth diapering … there is someone for and against every single decision we make. So at least make the one that makes you happy … because if you go with the flow, someone will still be opposed and you didn’t even make yourself happy
Did that make any sense at all lol!
Yes, it made a lot of sense, and I needed to hear it! Thank you for sharing
I can hear you telling people that it was a one night stand. I love your personality!
It is just amazing what you can get away with when you have an accent!
That is very precious … and our children really are the ‘hope’ and future …
First, your family is just beautiful. It’s a good thing you went to that bar (wink, wink).
Second, you are possibly wrong about those recreational drugs, or perhaps I am on them, because I see that picture and just see a happy, glowing Mommy, not cheeks
you know, it must be said … i just love you
Oh, this post has me giggling.
My son is, presumably, half-black . . . he has very, very curly hair, and very, very thick lips . . . but his skin would make a Leprechaun look pasty. So, I don’t know.
My swimmers liked to do extra loops – I think they were on an Easter egg hunt, instead of on a mission from god.
John, you kill me! never stop visiting me m’kay
No matter the journey…no matter the story…a good dose of laughter just helps, doesn’t it? Love this post!
Love the family picture!
Humor gets us thro many days over here
[...] Written on January 17, 2012 by Nicole in Uncategorized So yesterday I wrote this post called Fertile Myrtle and the One Night Stand (and yes, I did even use the words ‘crack ho’ … so sorry if it offends) but [...]
[...] HOPE Written on January 17, 2012 by Nicole in Blogging So yesterday I wrote this post called Fertile Myrtle and the One Night Stand (and yes, I did even use the words ‘crack ho’ … so sorry if it offends) but [...]
Such a great post! I can totally see you saying “Well, it was just one night in a bar…..” to the nosy neighbors. *snort*
The questions as to why we chose not to adopt from ‘China’ would sometimes put me over my liberal edge
Great post hun and a beautiful family picture
Thanks lovely, sometimes one has to find a little humor in what otherwise would break you into teeny pieces … how are YOU feeling?
I’ve been better, some things I should probably be blogging about but I’m hiding behind instead. Glad Blissdom is coming up so that I can have some girl time
Then big hugs are the order of the day
I’m still visiting my sister with 3 of the kids, but headed up North on Saturday. The house is still completely unlivable, but we’ll be squeezing into a little cabin on the property. Will be cozy:)
One night stand… perfect response.
I think that you look great in the picture too! Such a happy looking family!
The very first family pic – can’t beat that at all … and she was all of five lbs!
[...] production and confusion since the foods look the same. THIS AND THATBy Word Of Mouth Musings: Fertile Myrtle And The One Night Stand Nicole discusses infertility, friendship, adoption and the journey with her usual grace and humor. [...]
I can so picture you sharing that version of the story with your proper accent and the others just standing their not having any idea what to say back!!!! LOVE IT!
I just knew that I had to share this post with you my love … can’t wait to see you again xxx We’ll snuggle ourselves into a ‘niche’
LOL… what a twist of fate. God sure does has a sense of humor, don’t he?????
Oh yes indeed … and just so you know Hawt Satan was all talkin’ tonight at the company dinner
You are gorgeous no matter what! Timeless …because your soul is so beautiful and it shows when you share like this!
So much love to you my friend!
xoxo
and to you always my sweet and lovely addition to my life … you know DC is so not far South enough
such a beautiful story and YES humor is great for the soul! Thanks so much for sharing
Thanks sweet thing, just what would we do without it!
Found my way here via Erin Margolin. Love this story. Love your humour. Thanks for sharing your journey!
Shanon
Hi there, and I am so glad that you did, so appreciate you visiting today and certainly hope you found a few things that would make you come back again
There always seems to be an expert for anything you’re going through. I love the way you stopped the nosey people with your story… I can see the looks on their faces; priceless! And your angels are beautiful!
Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do
and yes, there is a certain satisfaction from taking the wind right out of their sails!
and thank you, I think they are angels too!
This is so sweet and touching! What a great response to nosy people asking questions. I know there are so many situations in life where I laugh so I won’t cry — and sometimes laughter is the best “band aid” (i say that instead of medicine because while it doesn’t cure you, it makes you feel a hell of a lot better.) Thanks so much for sharing.
You are so welcome. I quickly realised that the people around me, or friends in our playgroup had no clue how I was feeling … and you learn then to not let people in, in case they make light or offer more and more unwanted advice … so you joke and find humor and keep your sanity! (on the outside at least)
Thank you so much for visiting today – lovely to have you xxx
I love, love, love that you began to resort to telling the one night stand story to nosy people!! A sense of humor is key when dealing with infertility. I totally understand.
You have a beautiful family!
People were not only nosy but also questioned our choices … definitely reason to put them in their places to be sure
And thank you … so many people have been touched by infertility, its great that we can support eachother!
I agree with Galit—I don’t see “cheeks” on you at all—you are glowing and gorgeous and happy—the photo says ten thousand words.
this is a heartfelt post (despite the wonderful humor!) and I hope everyone reads it! going to share on FB, too!
xoxoxoxoxox
So many years later, I am astounded at the number of people I know that have shared this journey of mine – when at the time it felt like I was the only one in the world failing so miserably …
Thank you dear one, and yes, see you soon xxx
Wow. I really love this. You are SO right..everyone always becomes an expert. *UGH*… Good for you for writing from, and listening to your heart. Infertility is part of my life, and if we ever get blessed with children (however they come) it always will be with me.
Sadly people rush in with all of their opinions, each one crushing you a little more … the blogosphere today is an incredible resource of support and filled with people who actually do get it. It doesn’t make it easier I know, but I hope it makes people feel less alone.
Wishing you baby dust and sparkles and glitter and whatever it takes to make your dreams come true xxx
Love your ability to find humor in what had been such a time of anguish. Your “princess” is proof that good things DO come to those who persevere. xo
Hello lovely … yes indeed there were days that I could not see a light at the end of the tunnel. And on the days that she is not driving me absolutely crazy – I look at her in awe, at the greatest gift someone could ever entrust you with
Holy Cow! You are funny. I’ve heard of lots of crazy ways to get pregnant, but that one takes the cake. AND I LOVE THAT PHOTO!
Thanks Ali, if you don’t try do the funny with some of this stuff – you really could lose your mind!
Our first ever ‘family’ photo – love it too! (cheeks and all)
It really does stay with you, no matter how long ago it was or whether you have moved on. I remember seeing babies every time I turned on the TV and getting news of friends’ pregnancies every time I answered the phone. I remember going out with friends on Saturday nights and all they talked about were their kids. It all hurt whether it was meant to or not.
You know I wrote a post last year called The Green Eyed Monster after a family trip away .. because it brought it home to me that it had not gone away … that feeling of why me .. it stayed.
The most gracious friends we had at the time, invited us out to dinner so that they could tell us themselves, just the four of us together that they were expecting. I will never forget their grace.
My dear sweet friend, with whom I always tended to meet by the coffee bar {hmmm…wondering about us? grin}, and who also has a beautiful heart, thank you. Thank you for writing so candidly about your journey and blessing others with your story along the way.
And by the way, I’m totally in consensus, you look fab in that picture.
Bless you, dear friend.
Rach
You know how wonderful it is whenever I see you visit over here … you with one of the loveliest blogs out there comes over here and say nice things too me
Huge blessings upon you my dear, just huge!
I’m so glad you shared this story here. Thank you for being brave and hitting publish. You have a beautiful heart and a wonderful perspective, humor in particular
High accolades indeed from a writer such as yourself sweet one! Sometimes humor is our saving grace when we face the people around us … its the dark hours between, when we hide in our grief that are the hardest.
Much love to you always xxx
I can so relate to a lot of what you said… So hard to understand and deal with those fertile myrtles especially when they are literally all around you.
It’s definitely one of those dark times in your life that you look back one and are so relieved you made it through…
Making it through … so very true, sometimes you just can’t picture actually getting to the other side.
And here we are, and if words can help someone else feel understood in their dark hours … its all worth writing.
Much love to you and thank you xxx
Nicole, it does stick with you…infertility….the loss of a baby…we experienced both. I’m so sorry you have been hurt the way you have…that people can be so cruel…and I , in no way compare my situation to yours. I can not imagine….your pain or compare it to mine. I shared that sentence with a friend one time…and she was very mad at me. I’m still baffled over it…you see, she never had any children and we had no children at the time, had just been told we may not and had experienced a loss….but, even those words, where I was trying to be a friend…still came out wrong. Maybe it’s best to say nothing? To laugh/cry….to say you’re sorry…..I don’t know..words cut deep…even the ones meant with the most love
{{{HUGS}}} to you sweet friend …. Its a very difficult road to travel, if you have not been down it – its hard for someone to know the depth’s of despair you can reach. Ours was less than others, in that we had our first baby a couple of years into our marriage, but were not trying for a baby at the time – but secondary infertility kicked in and most people don’t get it. You need to relax, try harder, try less, be grateful for the one you have … it doesn’t stop … and the early miscarriages are crippling. You reach a point where you just tuck it inside because you don’t feel anyone gets you. People are blessed to have the support of the blogosphere nowadays, it was a very lonely journey back then.
Your girlfriend’s plan had me chuckling. Everyone really is an expert when you need it the least. Humor is usually the best way through.
Yes, I can still see her face as she put together Plan B in her mind – in all seriousness
Long ago, but like yesterday!
This? I love because you truly wrote your heart and it is a lovely, wonderful place in there.
{Also? Fertility drugs have nothing on you, you’re completely stunning!}
xo
Can I just keep you in my pocket so that you can whisper sweet nothings into my ear every time I walk into a room – you will make me walk ten foot tall
Oooh, those drugs, an easy ten lbs every cycle … and then desperation to get them off before the next!!!
There are so very many experts out there…aren’t you so grateful for them?!!! Love this, my friend. Well done.
Oh yes, the friends that tell you to enjoy just having one, who say having another will just complicate your life …. but if you must insist on trying again be sure to drink cough syrup three times a day, take one baby aspirin, face South while having s*x and elevate your *ss for an hour … possibly while howling at the moon
I think that for life in general, you have to have a sense of humor to keep from being completely miserable. Very funny and ironic story!
What was the statement – if you don’t laugh, you will cry …
Life sends us so many curve balls, that there are days you have to try and laugh things off, but sadly there are still days that you want to curl up in a ball and pretend its just not there.
You are just so funny, Nicole! Love your sense of humor
It was necessary at the time, the number of people that I wanted to reach out and slap were immeasurable! But thank you
You do, else seriously … you will lose your mind!
Where would we be without a little humor, especially when the subject matter is so heavy?!
Thank you for sending me this link. I truly appreciate it.
Have you ever read this blog? Hilarious!! Worth a visit.
http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/
Oh so glad you enjoyed it, humor is all that see’s you thro … and also helps you not physically hurt people who say the most stupid things imaginable!
Will go and take a look at the site – thanx!
“But he is black” had me laughing out loud!! Because your whitey-white like I am, and sure, no one would know
But you hit the nail on the head with this: “When you are trying to have a baby, everyone is an expert.” So true, and so sad.
I actually blogged about my infertility again too! Okay, I didn’t blog about it again, but I linked back to it for Nicole’s new #listablelife meme.
xoxoxox
Oh yes, all the things people would tell you while all you wanted to do was reach over and slap them silly
Tell me more about the meme?
That is awesome, Nicole!!! We have had our share of strange conversations about our quadruplets and one Chinese girl…
It never ceases to amaze me what people believe they have the right to ask you … btw lovely to see you. Are y’all settled in up North how is the building going?
You do, else seriously … you will lose your mind …
Telling the questioning nosy people that it was a one night stand at a bar? That’s awesome! You’re right, you have to be able to add humor to your life.